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Dordt College is a sad place these days. The academic grind
has regained full momentum. Stress has settled back in. The euphoria of
fleeting freedom has faded. Spraaayyyng Braaaaaayyyyyk has done been Sprung
Broke…
And yet, the winds of change are a blowin’. If you keep an
ear to the ground and an eye on the sky, you will be able to sense something
approaching. Something that captivates the collective conscience of dozens of
us (dozens!) every year. You guessed it, the intramural floor hockey season is
just around the corner!
So welcome to the 2017 Intramural Floor Hockey Season Preview,
where we’re providing you, the reader, with all the essential knowledge needed to enjoy this season from top to bottom and A to Z, by literally covering all things hockey in alphabetical order. It will include, team introductions, inside scoops, and even some slang terminology to be used as you see fit. We have lots of ground to
cover, so let’s get to it!
A is for Apple.
Classic. An apple is a delicious fruit but it is also a
regrettable slang term for "assist." For example, if a cocky playmaker in a
Junior B league is having a productive evening setting up his teammates for a
bunch of goals, he might skate past the opposing team’s bench and boast, “I’ve
been picking apples all night boys! Nice orchard we got here, Eh!?!”
B stands for the Bar Down Beauties…as well as Bookends
If you like teams that are composed of grizzled veterans who
have seen it all before, as well as actual All-American track stars, then the
Bar Down Beauties are the squad for you.
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| They sure are beautiful, aren't they? |
When the Beauties emerged victorious from their 9-4 blowout
of the Canadian Cripplers in the 2014 Final, the fantastic freshmen felt pretty
confident that they had just finished the first year of an impending Four-peat.
Only, they weren’t even able to REPEAT,
and they still haven’t ever clawed their way back into the winner’s circle.
Thus, the motto of the Beauties this year is “bookends.” They want to frame the
many chapters of their illustrious careers with a gigantic victory on both sides.
As lifelong Beauty Kelsey Lewis stated in a press conference last Thursday, “We
were the best squad of freshman that this league has ever seen, and we’ve gotta
win it all in Twenty-Seventeen.” It’s particularly important to realize that
this quote rhymes because if the Bar Down Beauties could start and finish their
careers as champions, that would be some poetic justice.
C stands for Canadian
Cripplers.
I would prefer to spread the team introductions out more
across the article, but all leagues are only as strong as their teams. With that in mind, let’s take a look at the club that has historically been the strongest of them all.
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| Sick beard Pieter! #facialflow |
This team has been the bane of the Beauties for the last two
seasons and is looking very dangerous again this year. Team captain and General
Manager Chris Soodsma has already won 3 DCIHL championships and if he can win a fourth
this year, he will be the first person to ever do so.
After losing a bunch of senior talent last year, Soodsma has
made some remarkable moves over the off-season and has this team looking like a
bona fide contender once again. “My roster is loaded with youth this year,”
remarked Soodsma during a media session last Wednesday, “we are in a
transition year but we don't see this as a hindrance.” Newcomers
Caleb Koomans, Haley Wilting, Paige Postman, and Erica de Schiffart will
have some large shoes to fill. Replacing retired all-stars Kevin
Grootenboer, Bernice Winter, and Nicole Postman is much easier said than done. However,
with Pieter Gesink returning, this team should be all set between the pipes.
D – Dirty Dangles
For those who aren’t familiar, “dangling” refers to a player’s
stickhandling control and finesse with the puck (or ball in this case). The
DCIHL players with the dirtiest dangles are, in no particular order, Lucas
Koomans, Nathan Struyk, and Caleb Groot. Don’t worry though, because these boys
are so fancy with the puck that they usually forget about shooting entirely and
most nights their names can’t be found anywhere on the score sheet.
E stands for Enough
As in, “ENOUGH WITH THE DANGLING, MOVE THE PUCK ALREADY!”
Seriously, there is just about nothing worse than a self-absorbed, fancy pants, dangler.
F stands for Fish
To answer part of an earlier question about whether or not Caleb
Koomans can replace Kevin Grootenboer, one thing is certain: They both have a
knack for reeling in the big one. They also like to wear the jerseys of
Alberta’s incompetent NHL teams. There may be more similarities between these
two than we originally thought…
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| Yeah, Caleb is probably the coolest of all the Koomans brothers... |
G – Garbage Men
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| Gotta smile at that brotherly love. Also, nice sweater Liz! |
If this were merely a hockey slang dictionary we would say G
stands for gino (pronounced Gee-No), which is a word that Peewee children use
interchangeably with “goal.” ex. “I rifled home a sick top-shelf gino last
night!” But seeing as we value the teams in this league more than juvenile vernacular,
meet the Garbage Men (and women).
You never really know what you are in for when the Garbage
Men take the ice. Chaos is their specialty. Because this is the case, there
really isn’t much I can say about them. Heck, they weren’t even a team last
year! But they do have lots of strong players that can make a difference. However, captain Levi Minderhoud remarked on Friday morning that the above list of names is subject to change. For that matter, even their name is subject to change to something else...these people are ridiculous.
H – “Has Van Gaalen lost his edge?” (Many of the top experts would say yes)
However, after falling in the final last year, Van Gaalen looked much more like Joe Thornton, an NHL star who often gets (unfairly) criticized for not being able to win when it matters (See photos below). Just look at their matching dead-eyed stares and try not to feel dead inside yourself.
I’m
Just
Kidding - We
aren’t actually doing the whole alphabet. Can you imagine how long that would
take? I mean, this article is wordy enough already for crying out loud. Ain’t
nobody got time for that.
L - Love on the Brain
The hit song by Rihanna in which her "voice is hoarse and ravaged, yet she's also controlled
and precise, knowing how to hone these imperfections so her performance echoes
classic soul while feeling fresh"- Stephen Thomas
Erlewine. I stole that quote directly from Wikipedia,
but I would encourage all of you to give the track a listen. It’s dynamite!
M - Minderhoud, Levi
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| He's Canadian, has a perfect body, and is immune to physical harm...could Levi Minderhoud actually be Wolverine? |
After an early retirement following the 2015 season, the "Minder-Hound" has crawled back out of the dog house and is foaming at the mouth
as he prepares to re-enter the league. Expect a rabid intensity and a tireless
work ethic from this greasy goal-scoring grinder.
N stands for Nine at
Night
The time on Tuesdays when the festivities begin. Make sure
you are in attendance. You won’t want to miss a moment.
O - Other Teams
It is important to note that the teams featured in this
article are not the only teams in the league. At this time of year, it is tough
to know just how many teams will be active. Many do not have a strong media
presence. Some may still be signing up (you have til 11 pm tomorrow). This section is dedicated to all the momentarily anonymous teams out
there that are not featured in this article but help make the DCIHL great.
Other Teams, we salute you. Cheers!
PQR – Who cares?
S - Soodsma
Perhaps the most recognizable surname in the league. The two
Soodsma brothers are known for their love of hockey and their love of Canada.
They also share a close bond that was almost responsible for Thomas signing
with the Canadian Cripplers as a free agent this summer. However, team loyalty
won out, and Tom rejoined his friends on his old team. What team is that you
ask? Just take a look at the next section.
T- Top Cheese Factory
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| Jamie's hobbies include drinking piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and taking long walks on the muscle beach. |
This team has long been a gouda one, but the flavor is all new
this year. While they have always considered themselves to be contenders, everyone
else has known them as merely the third best entry in a two horse race. However,
they have finally aged to perfection and just might be sharp enough to win it
all this time around. This change in status coincides with a change in
uniforms. Instead of their original nacho-yellow jerseys, this year they will
be clothed in cool bleu hues.
One thing that makes
this squad so dangerous is that they get goals from literally everyone on their
roster. It is impossible to tell who will strike next, which causes their
opponents’ insides to churn. For example, last year their top goal scorer in
the playoffs was a walk-on freshman named Hailey Nelson, which was a surprise
to everyone to say the least…Surely, the way all the unique members of this
team combine to make an even better whole product is nothing less than a modern
marble. (I am so sorry)
U- The Uptown Uglies
from the Island of Misfit Toys.
Yes, that is their actual team name.
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| Look, I never said that every team in this league was good. |
V – The Roman numeral
5
Additionally, the shape geese make when they fly in
formation. In related news, it is also not a very effective offense formation
for real-life hockey teams, despite what the Mighty Ducks movies would have you
believe.
W – The “Double” “U”
stands for Win
We’re getting real simple now…
X is for Xylophone
A percussion instrument played with sticks that is capable
of producing many individual notes and is loved by both children and adults.
Y is for You
If you have read this far, then I love you. Thanks for your
interest, and don’t be discouraged! You only have a little bit more to go!
Z stands for Zero
As in, “What is Zero?” Which is the correct Jeopardy-style
response to the Jeopardy-style question, “This is the percent chance that the
Uptown Uglies will win the championship.”
Closing Statement
“A year from now we’ll all be gone, all our friends will
move away, and they’re going to better places, but our friends will be gone
away.”
After graduation we are all going to miss each other. But
what will we really be missing? Epic Spring Break trips? Crazy nights of mischievous
glory? Legendary feats of youthful vigor? Sure, but also much more. I can
almost guarantee you that the majority of time we spend with our friends is not
very remarkable. However, these mundane moments still matter. I think when it’s
all said and done, most of us will miss the wasted hours the most: Staying up
til 2:00 am together watching youtube videos when you really ought to be
sleeping, talking way too loud in the John and Louise Hulst Library while
chugging mug after mug of that caffeinated mud-water,* or even being the last one to leave the locker room because
you love showering with the boys. Wait, what? No one else
identifies with that last one? Just me? Whatever…
The point is that none of the above activities would make it
onto a highlight reel of your collegiate social endeavors, but they all
represent quality time spent with friends. Similarly, intramural hockey may
seem rather unremarkable in the grand scheme of things, but in reality it is a matter of
utmost importance. This season matters not because it is another chance to
chase a championship. This season matters because it is another chance to waste
time with the people we love. May friendships grow, may memories be made, and may
the great and terrible evil named Chris Soodsma be vanquished once and for all.
It’s good to be back, now let’s have some fun. Peace.
*If library
management sees this, just know that I actually appreciate the free coffee very
much. In all honesty, there is almost nothing that I love more than slamming
back a good ol’ Gut Bomb with a bit of cream and sugar. The fact that the
coffee tastes awful is really just a blessing in disguise. Many of us live very
privileged lives and downing a cup of library joe helps us pretend to be much
more hardcore than we really are. Never change Dordt Library, you’re perfect.
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